My Future Self

Will there be regrets? Instant.

I have been a widow for 8 years and almost 2 months now. We have moved twice and these tubs have moved with us. I remember packing them up when we first decided to move from what would have been our FOREVER home. Where we were going to spoil our grandkids with rides down to the pond, homemade ice cream, fishing, riding horses, petting sheep, collecting eggs, and just anything else we dreamed up for that amazing place. It’s where we would have parked the RV that we were going to travel to bluegrass festivals in when we both retired. It is also where it was too much. Too much to care for on my own with a 13, 10, and 7 year old.

I packed these tubs because I couldn’t say goodbye to these things. The things that had once touched his skin. These things he had sweat in to make a living for his family and create a beautiful life for us. These things he had worn to weddings he didn’t want to go to and parties he was the life of. These pieces of cotton that had once held me tight and rocked our boys to sleep. These swim trunks we had taken to Big Cedar, where he tried stand up paddle boarding to show Tate it was safe. Even the kind of socks he loved, still matched up and ready to go.

As I type this, they are on the curb. Ready for the American Veteran’s to come and rescue. To take them to a place where someone else will love them before they turn into moth speckled, old rags. Did I go back through every piece just now? Yes. Do I have too many things to hang in my closet for ‘just in case’ the boys may want them or I may want to just snuggle up and cry? Yes! We have the most beautiful keepsake quilts and pillows, made by the hands of those who love us…my step-mom and my CC. His jeans are all over my house in different ways. So, why do I want to run out and drag these back into the garage?

Grief just never ends. That is why. I am praying that my boys will know that I felt strong today. I felt like I could let these things go to a new home. They have witnessed me open and close these tubs for years now. I always just say it’s not quite time. I have shed many tears over how to handle my grief, their grief, the grief of his mother and father, my family, and his friends who love him so much. I know in my heart that I can’t fix everyone’s hurts but I sure wish I could. Knowing he would have thrown them out long ago should help me. Knowing he is probably shaking his head every time I am upset. He is probably wishing I would just suck it up already.

My only reason for posting this is that maybe one person will feel normal. Anyone grieving any kind of loss or just feeling lost in this world. I have come to realize that loneliness isn’t just for the broken-hearted. If you are ever feeling overwhelmed and need someone to pray for you or just to talk, please reach out! My friend called me crying and sitting in her closet wondering what she was supposed to do with her husband’s things. I had to tell her that 8 years later, I still do not know the correct answer. We just have to do what is right for ourselves and our family.

I just told a friend last night that the only peace I have truly found in this season of my life has been through watching God work. Miracles on miracles, including giving me the strength to let go of 4 tubs. I want my future self to remember that when she feels down, alone, and defeated…SHE WILL NEVER BE.

Here’s hoping the AMVETS have made it by when I go outside.