Stay

milestone reminders

‘So fast these moments fade’, it’s like Matt Rollings wrote this for me, only I can’t put this song in only one category of where I need it most in my life. Just when I think my tears have all dried, my soul is emotionless, or my mind has numbed to allowing memories to live…I come back to Shane’s playlists. Wyatt has picked up guitar in the last 6 months and these are the songs he gravitates toward. I will sit at the top of the stairs and listen to him practice in his room. I could do this for hours. He and Lane played together the other night and it was maybe my favorite day in a long time.

You see, I am hitting an avalanche of milestones with my boys. Tate turned 21 yesterday, Lane turned 18, Wyatt is entering high school, and Lane is now a senior. Tate is a junior in college for goodness sakes. I know there are days when they need advice straight from dad. These are big moments. I understand this song was originally written as a ballad connecting parent and child. It is the most tender in this sense and could not be more true in every line.

This song also reminds me of the legacy of my husband. Today is his birthday. He would have been 49. FOURTY-NINE. He didn’t have the opportunity to reach that next milestone on earth. Many people react to us differently now and all that I have read on the subject of grief points to this. It’s been 7.5 years, so we should be getting used to it, moving forward, getting over it. ‘I’ll always be the home you come back to in your heart’. You never get over it.

My boys are thriving and what no ones sees are the days when none of us are. They still happen, and it can be true that it’s thankfully not as often. We are still never on the same page on the same day so a rollercoaster ensues for me. I have learned to give myself a break on trying to fix every detail of every emotion and we just try to ride them out together. I will be forever grateful for their willingness to even just text me, ‘Mom, I am struggling today’. They know they are free to struggle and sometimes I can just see it in their eyes ‘telling me what words can’t say’.

So, if you have children, step-children, grandchildren, a love in your life, a lost love, a parent, a hurting friend or neighbor, a sick friend, a best friend, or _______ (fill in the blank where this song can bless your life)…I hope this song hits for you. My friends lost their mother to Alzheimer’s and can picture their dad in this line ‘I will carry you until it’s time to go’. It breaks my heart, but I have learned that sometimes you just need to sit in your broken heart to see how hard it can push you to love deeper.

Who will you carry until it’s time to go?